Couples Advice

If it always seems to you like it’s the jerks that get the girls—even the nice girls—you’re not alone in your observation. Many “nice guys” wonder why they have such a hard time getting women to go out with them and why it’s so easy for the bad boys. Here is our response to Bobby from Rome, NY.

Bobby from Rome, NY writes:
“There’s this girl who I know in school who really means a lot to me. I’ve never been anything but nice to her, and I really care about her, but it seems like she’s always going out with some jerk. I’m always the shoulder for her to cry on, but she never seems to think of me as someone worth going out with. Why does she keep making stupid decisions? Why do nice guys finish last?”

“Hi Bobby! Many men have asked themselves this question, and many men also wonder whether women who say they are looking for a “nice guy” but then turn around and date jerk and jerk are lying. In most cases, they are not lying—and there are many more reasons why this happens than most people (men in particular) think.

The most obvious reason is that many “nice guys” are perceived by women as being either wussy or dull. Being steady and reliable is great—in fact, if you aren’t steady and reliable, you will never get a long-term relationship to work. On the other hand, if you’re so steady and reliable that you never do anything spontaneous, fun, or exciting, you’re not likely to attract many women. Unfortunately many men who are spontaneous and fun are also so spontaneous that they don’t think through how their actions will affect others—this can make them act like jerks.

As a guy, what you’re really seeking is a balance. You want to be steady and reliable but also have the capacity for spontaneity. You want to be agreeable and polite without being a pushover or a wuss. Many women date men they perceive as confident; jerks tend to be confident, oftentimes more confident than nice guys. Women can be attracted to that confidence without realizing that it represents arrogance in many cases, rather than a balanced personality.

Another reason nice girls often date bad boys is that they have a desire to be helpful and supportive and genuinely believe that they can help those bad boys redeem themselves. This isn’t necessarily a negative trait, but it can result in a great deal of unhappiness.

Ask yourself whether you are a well-balanced person; just as a jerk can be unbalanced, a nice guy can be unbalanced too. If you do discover areas where you’re unbalanced, see if you can learn to be more confident or fun—without becoming arrogant or careless. This may or may not help you win the affections of this particular girl, but you may have an easier time attracting women in general. It always comes down to being yourself. Do that, and do it confidently, and you’ll attract the person who is right for you.