Couples Advice

Sometimes you reach a breaking point in a relationship from which you feel there is no recovery. How do you know if it’s time for a divorce? What are the legal grounds you need to file for divorce? What are the main reasons couples divorce?

Katie from Louisville, KY writes:
“I think I’ve reached the end of my patience with my relationship with my husband. We’ve been together eight years and I never thought when I got married I’d be thinking of getting a divorce. Then again, I’ve heard half of all marriages end in divorce. Why do most people get divorced? How do I know if I should? What reasons does the state recognize for filing for a divorce?”

There are no hard or fast rules for ending a relationship. Ending a marriage is an extremely personal decision. Your reasons could be personal, financial, or a combination thereof. Many people end their marriages because of deep-seated disagreements. Many others end their marriages when intimacy dies and there is a loss of connection. Ending a marriage can be a simple event or a complicated one. Some marriages end on relatively good terms (as good as can be in the context of a divorce) while others end terribly and involve legal disputes. Obviously if you can avoid the latter, you should. Sometimes it’s unavoidable though, especially if things have degraded tremendously.

There are different legal grounds for divorce in different states, so you’ll need to look up your own state laws in order to determine what to do. In most states you can file for divorce if there has been emotional or physical cruelty inflicted by the other party, if adultery has been committed (depending on the circumstances surrounding the event), or abandonment. In fifteen states however the only option is a no-fault divorce. No-fault is available in all states. This is probably the most common choice—a no-fault marriage is a marriage in which the relationship has become irrevocable because of common differences. If you file for a no fault divorce, you will both need to provide grounds for the divorce.

Consider carefully what the consequences of your actions will be regarding any children you may have before you choose to divorce or not. It doesn’t hurt to talk to your children about the situation if you have them. A lot of partners make an assumption that divorce will be better or worse for their children, while the children hold the opposite view. While the decision is of course ultimately yours, it’s best to find out how everyone in your immediate family feels about the situation before you make your choice.

If you still feel unsure about getting a divorce and think you may want to try and salvage the marriage, consider marriage counseling. A marriage counselor gives you someone to speak to who isn’t invested personally in your situation and who can provide a third party perspective. Good luck resolving your situation one way or the other.