Is My Relationship Worth Saving?
Have you ever found yourself in a predicament where you thought you were in a great relationship, only to realize as time goes by that you aren’t so sure? Sometimes the basis we build a relationship on seems to deteriorate over time. How do you know if it’s time to move on or to try harder?
Caroline from Hartford, CT writes:
“At the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend of 20 months, it felt like we were both committed to making the long distance work. We called each other almost every day and spoke for two or three hours at a time, sometimes late into the morning hours. Within the first month we had to face a lot of pressure from my parents because rumours surfaced that he was less than ideal. He was open and honest with me about everything and we weathered it. Lately I have had a nagging feeling that he’s not emotionally mature enough for the type of relationship I want. The way he takes hard news is just like a child giving ultimatums and threats if things don’t go his way. Trying to reason with him is near impossible. I end up just waiting his “tantrum” out. I’ve tried to express to him my frustration but I don’t think he understands. Plus he has had a hard past dealing with the divorce of his parents and having to be on his own since he was 17. He’s gone through a lot of rough spots so when I push him to try harder, I get met with stubbornness and a claim that he has done well so far, why can’t I be happy with that. I feel mislead by that because when I entered into the relationship with him he told me he wanted to change and be a better person than he had and that he felt I was helping him do this. Can I bring these things up with him and get feedback without him feeling attacked? Or is this a relationship I need to end?”
I’m sorry to hear you’re having trouble in your relationship. Twenty months is a long time, which tells me that even if you’re going through a rough time right now, something about this relationship has endured. A lot of people don’t make it twenty months—many marriages even end before that much time has elapsed.
That being said, there is a lot which is non-specific in your question and therefore hard to address in a specific fashion. I do notice though that you mention in the beginning though that you two used to call each other a lot. While you don’t mention this again later in your email, it sounds to me as if there has been less communication than there used to be. Did this happen before or after you started to find it challenging to approach your boyfriend openly? If it happened before, perhaps that has been a contributing factor to the degradation of the relationship.
I think you show maturity in understanding some of the basis for why your boyfriend may be as sensitive as he is. As you said, he has had a rough go at life. Perhaps one thing which is causing you two to have trouble communicating though is that you are each measuring his mileage differently. In many ways it is easier to see the potential of another person than it is to measure one’s own. When you look at your boyfriend, you see him from outside—you see what he could do and be, but the very difficulties he has faced (and maybe even overcome) may be causing him to have a harder time seeing in himself the great potential which you do. Simultaneously, he may feel that your high expectations are clouding your own view of what he has accomplished to this point. Sometimes what looks like a small accomplishment from the outside is actually something enormous for another person. He may also interpret your high expectations to mean that you view him as a failure—not that you simply see greater potential for him, and indeed respect him highly.
Time may heal some woes, but with others it can sometimes have the opposite effect. Your boyfriend sounds to me as if he is exhausted. Perhaps another thing which might help you to recover your relationship is if you found some way to recharge. That can be tough when you’re dating long distance, but perhaps you can still find some way to relax. If it’s at all possible, meeting up in person both to discuss things openly and also to take a break from discussing—maybe just to go on a vacation and relax a while—might help as well.
Regardless, only you can figure out whether you are ready to move on or whether you want to keep trying to mend this relationship. Hopefully some of these ideas will give you a place to start if you still want to heal the situation. Good luck!
I’ve been dating this guy for seven months. At the begining of our relationship it was very rocky and we were hit with some misfortunes. Since then I’ve been able to get over it, but he continues to be sad. In the last couple of weeks he has been more than usually depressed an it resulted in him having a relationship with someone else behind my back. He’s a wonderful guy, and this is not something he would do. Is it right to break up with him because of one flawed moment? Or is it over?..
Hi Katherine,
Whether you choose to end the relationship or repair it is completely up to you and how you feel about him. If you feel that you can forgive him and he is worth it, then you can absolutely continue the relationship even though he cheated. It will take a lot of work and it will be difficult at times, but it is completely possible.
Been with my girl for 4yrs and she can easily choose any and everything over me when it comes to me (i.e. Going out to eat with a friend or just choosing to stay at home with kids.) It’s not always easy for her to get away and I understand that but I wanted to know is that me being selfish or is that her being selfish?
Hi Bill,
Your girlfriends behavior is probably the result of a few things. For one, after 4 years your relationship may be starting to plateau a little. Do you offer to take her out often? Do you organize dates together? Your girlfriend might just want to go out more and you may have just asked her out at a bad time (was she the only one available to look after the kids?).
Relationships are always give and take. Do you feel like you are being selfish? How much time do you spend together? If you can honestly answer this yourself and you feel like you need more time with each other then you should openly communicate this with her in a non threatening way eg:
“Honey, I’d love to spend more time with you, it feels like we hardly get to see each other. Perhaps we can start doing each Wednesday night to hang out more?”
This approach is much better than questioning her motives or attacking her.
Best of luck,
Roxanne.
I agree with the comment that only you can decide. Tap into your gut feelings to help you decide how to move forward. Wish you luck.
I’ve been seeing someone for 5 years now and has been serious the last 2 years. We spend as much time as we can together. We are happy and in love and our communication is great mostly. He has met my family and has spent time with them. The problem I have is that he has not introduced me to his parents yet. I know he loves me and is seems afraid of committing but I’m not sure how much longer I should wait for him to introduce me. Everything about our relationship is great except this, should I stay or should I go?
We hdve been married for 16 months and dated 4 years before that. I recently had to have a biopsy of my breast (cancer survivor) and he did not go as he had a meeting out of town (that he could have missed). It is one of many times that he has placed work and his hobbies before me and I am not sure I can live with this…… am I overreacting? Still no results on biopsy and I am scared and mad.
I have been seeing this man for 8 months. We were (maybe still are) supposed to marry in May. We both have our pasts. He was married before and she was unfaithful. I’ve been in a couple bad relationships. My past marriage ended because my ex-husband cheated. After my divorce, I made some really bad choices and even ended up in a pretty abusive relationship. I am trying very hard to leave the past behind me, but I know I have some emotional issues because of it. Trust, commitment, who knows what other issues. I am so afraid of being hurt again. Emotionally as much as physically. For a long time, I just chose to be alone and just focus on my kids. So, this man is without a doubt the first man I have felt close to in a really long time. I love him and I love the way he is with me. He’s very sweet. I feel like I can talk to him about things I’m not comfortable talking about with many other people. My issue with him is that I keep hearing all these negative things about him. I have overlooked a lot of it, thinking for me to believe it that I would have to see it myself. But my real concern is that now it’s coming from a really close family member. She is probably my closest friend in the world. I love her as much if not more than my own sisters. I just don’t feel that she would ever lie to me or try to hurt me. So coming from her, I can’t help but believe it to be true. She says that he is seeing other women. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He says he’s not, that he wouldn’t be begging me to marry him if he had another woman. Which I have to admit that it took some convincing on his part for me to say yes to that. We haven’t really been fighting over this. I told him that I need a little time to think. We’re still communicating, but I guess you could call it a break. He tells me that he loves me more than anything and that if I’d just give him the chance and stop listening to other people, that we’d be happy together. He says that people see someone happy in their relationship that they do whatever they can to try to ruin things for them. Which I can kinda see that, some people are crazy. But it bothers me so much that someone I’m so close to is saying the same things about him. I’m afraid it’s the truth and just not sure what to do. Any advice?