Couples Advice

Ever tried to ask a girl out a dozen times in a dozen different ways to no avail? Ever hung around all night at a bar asking girls to leave with you or meet you again another time with no luck? How do you ask a girl out and actually get her to say yes?

Alonso from Eureka, CA writes:
“I have never really been good at getting girls to go out with me. Lately I’ve been really putting the effort in, because I’d like to meet some women and maybe find a long term girlfriend. But even if I spend hours in bars every night of the week I can’t seem to get any girls to talk to me for long, much less go out with me. What am I doing wrong? I do my best to be polite and charming. But whatever I say never works.”

Hi Alonso. Getting a girl to go out with you is indeed partly a question of what you say, but there is also a lot more to it than that (bet you guessed that by now, right?). What you say is important, and you’re on the right track with being polite and charming. What you do is also important, though. This includes body language and other subtextual clues. You did say that you’re interested in finding a long term girlfriend. Many of them women you’re talking to may actually be looking for a long term boyfriend and getting turned off because they think you’re just looking to hook up for a one night stand—or even if you’ve made it obvious you’re looking for something serious in the long run, they still may think that you’ll want to move too fast, or that you already want more than they do.

The ineffable ingredient which is probably steering you wrong is pheromones. You’ve certainly heard that pheromones attract, and they can—but they can also deter potential dates. Women have a sixth sense for desperation, and if they think that you’re desperate, they’re usually going to steer clear. Desperation isn’t a trustworthy emotion, and when someone is desperate, girls wonder why, and what that desperation will cause them to do. Desperation isn’t an attractive emotion, and it won’t score you a lot of dates.

So the main thing you can do to get a girl to go out with you if you’re doing everything else right is probably ironically to accept that she may not want to, and that is okay. If you can actually speak to a girl with a cool head, an open mind, and a willingness to let her take the lead in the situation, there is a much better chance she will want to go out with you. If it’s obvious that you are being pushy (and yes, it’s possible to be polite and still come across as pushy) and that you want to take the lead, she may question your motives.

You also just may be hanging out in the wrong places! Perhaps the girls who frequent the bars you’re going to aren’t the kinds of girls who you want to go out with anyway. Maybe try a different part of town, hit the club scene, or even try meeting girls at clubs or other organizations.