Couples Advice

Nothing is more frustrating in a relationship than being unable to communicate. After all, if you can’t communicate, then you can’t resolve problems. Lack of communication is a problem all on its own and it can lead to new ones. That’s why it’s vital to learn to make a connection again.

Tiffany from Portland, OR writes:
“I have this frustrating issue with my boyfriend. He doesn’t listen to me. It almost doesn’t matter what I’m saying; he doesn’t even listen when I’m talking about something good these days. When I’m talking about a problem, then he really shuts me out or just talks right through whatever I’m saying. He hasn’t always been like this. Mind you, we’ve only been dating a couple of months, but in the beginning he seemed so sensitive. Why is he shutting me out? What do I do?”

That is indeed a frustrating problem, and if you don’t solve it, it will lead to other problems. There could be many explanations for what’s going on. You say you’ve only been dating this guy for a couple of months. It could be that he only was behaving in a sensitive manner in the beginning in order to get you to go out with him. Now that he thinks that he has what he wants, he’s going back to behaving like his real self. If that turns out to be the case, then you probably aren’t going to want to stay in this relationship for long since it began on false pretenses.

It’s also possible though that your boyfriend really is that sensitive guy you were dating before, but now something has him distracted. He could be going through a hard time in his life but not feel comfortable sharing yet since he’s only been dating you for a couple of months. If that is the case, you could expect him to be distant and distracted, perhaps even irritable. Since he hasn’t shared what’s wrong, you have no way of knowing that there is an outside factor affecting the relationship.

So how do you figure out which it is? You may try waiting—if there is something wrong and the situation changes for the better, he may go back to his old self. Depending on how much trust is present in the relationship, you could also try asking him if anything is the matter which he hasn’t shared with you. Let him know that you’re there for him and that you will listen to his problem without judgment. If you listen to him, then he may be ready to start listening to you again.

You can also try going to a therapist who works with couples—sometimes it takes a third person who isn’t invested in the situation to get someone to open up. Usually that’d be a resort of a more serious couple, however, and since it’s only a couple of months into the relationship, that might be a bit drastic at this point. See whether you can get him to open up on your own first, and also see if time heals the problem.