Couples Advice

For some people, love at first sight exists, but for others, love is something that is built upon and developed with time—we grow into love instead of fall in love. But even those of us who do fall in love still want to make that love grow by learning more about our partners. Getting to know someone special involves similar questions either way!

Susie from Denver, CO asks:
“I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months. I fell for him immediately on sight, and I mean head-over-heels, but oddly enough I still don’t feel like I know him that well, even though he is so special to me. I know I love him, but I want to know why I love him. What makes him the special, sweet person he is? Where did he come from and where is he going? How do I ask him these deeply personal questions? What should I even ask?”

Hi Susie. Being shy even around the people we love isn’t unusual—many of us are even shyer around those we are close to than strangers at a party! The stakes are higher and it’s easier to say something stupid or ask a question which might be unwelcome. So you do want to be delicate when approaching personal questions.

One thing you could do is simply tell your boyfriend flat out that you want to know more about him, and also share more about yourself, and that if any of your questions bother him, he can just tell you so and disregard them. Many people feel more comfortable talking about themselves if they know there’s no pressure and no expectation of a response. Lots of us became who we are today through tragedy and pain as much as through joy and love, after all. Let your boyfriend know you will accept him for who he is, whatever he’s been through.

What are some good get to know you questions? Try to pick the un-obvious. You can ask where he went to school and grew up, what his past jobs have been, what he wants to do with his life, and so on, but that won’t get you to his core. Here are some more interesting questions to get to know your boyfriend!

• What was the single absolute best day of your life?
• What was the single absolute worst day of your life?
• What is your greatest fear?
• If you had only a year to live, what would you do with it?
• If you were terribly impoverished or insanely wealthy, how would you live? What would it change?

What defines a person is not only what he or she wants from life, but also how he or she reacts to events. A relationship cannot be built only on what you have now—if it is to be sustained, it will need to survive all sorts of changes. Finding out about how a person responds to those changes will help you to figure out if the love you feel now has the potential to grow and change with that person in the future.