Couples Advice

Building trust can be a challenge, especially if you’ve been through a lot of negative relationship experiences, but trust is the foundation of any relationship which is going to actually work. What can you do to build trust—especially if this is an issue which you struggle with?

Johnny from Altoona, PA writes:
“I’m in a good relationship right now, but it’s a new one, and I am having a hard time with trust issues, because my last girlfriend cheated on me. My new girl has a lot of guy friends, and she hangs out with them regularly. I know I can’t ask her to drop her friends on account of me, but every time she goes out I worry about what’s happening. What can I do to build trust in my relationship? I’m the one who needs to learn it, but I just don’t know what to do. I just feel uncomfortable, and wish I knew how to adjust to my new relationship and let go of the past. None of it is her fault after all.”

Many guys wouldn’t be willing to do what you are—which is respect your girlfriend’s current lifestyle and her choice of friends. The fact that you are willing to do so reveals emotional maturity. Even though you may be struggling with trust issues, you seem to have a good foundation for building trust, and that’s a great first step. And you’ve already taken it without even trying—so that’s encouraging!

It sounds like you’re already trusting your girlfriend in terms of your actions, and it could just be a matter of time before your emotions learn to catch up. It’s tough to trust someone you only recently got together with. Trust is something which grows organically with time, after all, and it may just take some patience to get over your heartbreak.

I don’t think it’d be unreasonable to express a desire to meet your girlfriend’s friends if you haven’t already. If you haven’t communicated your concerns to your girlfriend, there’s no reason not to—provided that you explain what you’ve been through and what you’re struggling with. As long as your girlfriend doesn’t feel accused, then she will probably be happy to introduce you to her circle of friends in order to reassure you. Keep in mind that this in itself would be an act of trust on her part—any time friends are introduced to boyfriends, drama can potentially ensue—so respect her trust in return!

Again, I think the main key here is just going to be time. As you get to know your girlfriend better, you will probably come to trust her more. It’s great that you are doing your best not to let your bad past experiences get the better of you and ruin your chances for a great relationship in the present and the future. Be patient with yourself as well—that’s also a key to moving on and starting something new!