Am I Too Needy?
Does your significant other think you’re too needy or clingy? You’re supposed to need your significant other, aren’t you? How do you figure out when you’ve crossed the boundaries of reasonable attachment and entered the domain of obnoxious clinginess?
Judith from Elizabeth, NJ writes:
“My boyfriend says I’m too needy and that I’m making him uncomfortable. I don’t get that—I mean, aren’t I supposed to want to spend time with him? He says I’m too needy because I want to see him every weekend, and also because I like to know what he’s doing when we’re not together. That doesn’t feel strange to me—I mean, I’m just interested in his life and want to be a part of it. Why am I annoying him? Am I too needy? Should I stop sending him text messages every day?”
It seems to me your motives here are noble—you don’t want to know everything your boyfriend is doing because you’re nosy or untrusting, and you don’t want to spend every weekend with him because you’re demanding on his time. You just want to feel close to him, and that’s a good thing. What you need to realize though is that your boyfriend may not be reading your motivations correctly. Considering how many people are jealous, demanding, and untrusting, and that he may have had negative experiences in the past with other girlfriends, he may be misconstruing your motives.
I think it’s important that you tell him what you’ve already told me, if you haven’t already. If you have and he still doesn’t understand, try giving him the space that he needs. By doing so you will prove that you respect the boundaries on his time and understand that he sometimes needs or wants time to do other things on weekends or hang out with other people. By not asking him what he’s doing all the time and not texting him all the time, you are showing him that you trust him and respect his privacy.
Once your boyfriend figures out that you respect him, he may finally understand that you weren’t trying to be clingy or overbearing—and then he may be up for giving you more updates on what he’s doing when you aren’t together. Either way, by showing him trust, you will be building trust in the relationship, and you may also discover that you feel less of a need to track his movements.
Always remember that everyone needs some alone time and privacy now and again, and also that while you are his girlfriend, your boyfriend does have other people in his life and always will. Those people need time and attention too, and a balanced life is necessary for a balanced, healthy relationship. On weekends when your boyfriend can’t be with you, why not take the time to catch up with your other friends or meet new friends? Those relationships can enrich both your lives and the relationship that you share.